Scared Stuck

It's been months since I've publishes a post. I found other things to occupy my time. I kept busy. But I'm coming back today. I'm coming back to talk about fear.

At the beginning of this month, I decided to take more responsibility over my life. I decided that I wanted more from my life and was fully capable of achieving it. So I started to plan and day dream and dream on paper and make lists. I started where I think a lot of us start. At what I thought was the beginning. But almost a month later I realize that I am still in planning mode. The more days that pass and the more I'm in planning mode, I've noticed a tenseness in my body and a weight in the pit of my stomach. Upon further reflection, I've come to call these feelings fear. I'm afraid. I feel like I need to take some action steps now, but I'm afraid. Absolutely terrified. What if my ideas don't work in the real world? What if they are bad ideas? Who am I to implement these ideas anyway? I'm no expert in the field, just someone who's interested in seeing this idea come to form. Why can't I just take a step? Any step?

So much I've read says that taking action helps to remove the fear. I keep remembering this, but I still do nothing. I have no happy ending yet. I'm wondering if I should even post this. I'm just holding out hope that sometime down the road when I post again in the future, I can look back at this entry and say "Remember when I was feeling that way? I'm glad it didn't last."

Journey to Love: Care to Join Me?

If I let go and just wrote from the heart, I would tell you that I’ve been afraid to come back here and write another post. What do I share? How do I say it? Have I waited too long? Does what I think matter? Do I even matter? All of these thoughts flood my mind, making it even harder to write this all down. More and more I’m learning that successful living is not about being a perfect human being at all times or never failing. Successful living is really about allowing yourself to be who you are “warts and all.” Successful living is about turning away from the thoughts that say “I am not enough” and “I don’t deserve to be happy and loved.” Successful living is about saying yes to all those things that make your heart sing regardless of if anyone else gets it or not. Successful living is about touching the Divine in the midst of the human. I’m learning more and more that the ideal of perfection is not my friend. It’s a big heavy weight attached to my ankles weighing and slowing me down. Life is passing me by while I wait for that elusive day when I am good enough to give love to myself. Well that day is here. I am perfect with all of my imperfections now. I can love myself now. And it only takes me reminding myself of that fact day by day and minute by minute. That is all it really takes. Moment to moment reminders until the habit of self-love is deeply ingrained into my everyday existence. I wasn't sure before, but I now know that this journey is worth it, I am worth it. I may not feel that way all the time, but feeling is not fact. If I fall, I can bounce back. That is the grace of life. Each new moment is a new moment to change the course of your life forever. This is where true success lies. This is where real growth and learning is. Care to join me?

Colorful Quote 2

This Time I Dance!, Tama J. Kieves, pg. 28

Weekend Wonder 2

This weekend's Wonder pictures were taken in the Porter Square train station in Cambridge, MA. The top left and bottom left are permanent art installments above the station's looooooong escalators. Again, what amazing things there are to see if we just look up! The one on the right is a helpful graffiti reminder someone wrote on a temporary construction wall. Life does go on!

Feel Your Feelings

I’ve been really focused on feeling my feelings lately. I grew up in a family where strong feelings were subtly shunned. If you cried, you did it in private and if you happened to cry in front of someone else you said “I’m sorry!” over and over again until you stopped. It’s taken me a while, but I realize now how dangerous this has been for my mental, physical and spiritual health. Feelings are important and they are meant to be felt.

I bought a book recently (I’m always buying books!) called The Language of Emotions (Karla McLaren). I haven’t finished reading it yet, but it’s really making me think differently about feelings/emotions and how they are not inherently bad or good and each carry gifts of their own that you will miss out on if you don’t express them.

The most important takeaway I’ve gotten so far is that you can’t feel your feelings by reading a book; you have to put what you’ve read into practice. So I’ve been practicing this week. I want to get back to the connection to my emotions that I’m sure I had when I was a child. I want to just allow whatever I’m feeling to be ok to feel – no judgments, no censure.

And the funniest thing has been happening. When I felt my feelings, really let go and felt them and noticed how they made my body feel and what thoughts I was thinking to go along with them (with no self-censure or judgments), after a few minutes, the feelings got less intense and  then vanished. I was then left with a feeling of calm and clarity. If I had known that that would happen instead of the mental picture I carried of myself exploding from feeling anything too deeply I would have started embracing my feelings a long time ago!  

It’s amazing how many Americans have been taught to deny the full expression of their emotions. It’s amazing and sad. I now believe that you can’t censor one side of yourself without it affecting other elements of yourself from being expressed. It’s a lose-lose situation.  So, today I move forward noticing and practicing feeling my feelings. Like any new skill, practice makes perfect and I’m determined to get better at this day by day.

Colorful Quote 1

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, pg. 31

Weekend Wonder 1

Top Left: The things you see if you just look up! I saw this beautiful light fixture riding the escalator in a mall. Been going to this mall for years and I never noticed this gorgeousness until now.

Bottom Left: Club Monaco's front display made me literally stop and look. Those things hanging from strings behind the mannequins are white tea cups with their insides painted lovely yellows, greens and blues! How creative!

 

Right: I love little flower/plant patches and when I see these I'm reminded of the people who plant these one by one by one. What dedication for beauty!

Glee Check

"The First Snow, Kazan, Soviet Union, 1970" by Vladimir Zotov

Back in 2008, I had a personal trainer. During the winter season, she sent me a holiday card with the above photo on the front. I haven't been able to throw it away. You see the look on those kids faces? That's glee. I want that glee back in my everyday life. The type of glee where I can throw out my hands and tilt back my face and let the wonder of life just flow through me. Looking at this card reminds me of the glee that I had as a child and is a reminder to create more of those moments now.

I've been reading a book called One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way by Robert Maurer. If you've never heard of "kaizen" before, it's basically a Japanese word that symbolizes small steps towards continuous improvement. This book is really causing me to re-evaluate how I think about action. Before reading this book, I felt like goals required all or nothing effort which meant I almost always ended up with nothing (think New Year's Resolutions!). This kaizen way of thinking according to Dr. Maurer says that the smaller the step, the less likely you are to freak out and stop out of overwhelm and the more likely you are to reach your goal one baby step at a time. So in the spirit of kaizen, here are five very small steps that I can make now to help me experience more glee in my every day life.

1. Play one favorite song and dance full out the whole time the song plays
2. Hula hoop for one minute straight
3. Laugh for one minute a day (even if I have to force myself to get started)
4. Spend one minute closely observing a plant or flower or some other element of nature
5. Skip outside for 30 seconds

Those feel doable and I'm starting today. Anyone care to join me?

Making Things Happen 2012

As I mentioned in my previous post, earlier this month I attended a fabulous one day workshop called Making Things Happen. Making Things Happen is the brainchild of the even more fabulous Lara Casey and is intended to help people release the fears that are holding them back and live a more focused and fulfilled life. Emily Ley and Gina Zeidler more than rounded out the team as the three ladies led our small class through a day of exercises and honest sharing.

I don’t want to say that it was life changing because that sounds so cliché, but in some ways it did alter parts of my life for the better. I feel more focused on a day to day basis by putting into practice some of the tools that Lara implemented in her life like downloading and setting myself up for success by preparing for things in advance. I’m more aware of what I want more of in my life and what I want less of and how I can take steps to make that a reality. I have gained a whole group of friends who encourage me pretty much daily. I know that sounds strange as I only spent a day with them, but there is something to be said about the connection that happens between people when they are being totally honest and revealing. When you skip all the surface pleasantries and get straight to the heart, it’s very easy to feel close to someone you’ve just met.

I’m not going to give away all of the exercises of the day though. What I will do is share a few of the things that I walked out of that room with.

1.      It is very powerful to name your fears and even more powerful to do so in the presence of another. For so long, I thought that I would be too overwhelmed by even thinking of my fears so I distracted myself as best as I could thinking that they would go away. What I didn’t realize until now is that to keep them silent is to allow them to grow and get strong and “to name your fears is to destroy them” (thanks Lara!). I was giving my fears too much credit by tip toeing around them instead of shining a bright spotlight on them so that I could see them for what they really were. And if I was so afraid to even name my fears to myself, I was even more afraid (and ashamed) to name them in front of other people, especially people that I just met. But something totally different and unexpected happened. Instead of feeling judged and embarrassed, naming my fears in front of my workshop mates felt freeing and I felt so held and accepted. I felt like I was no longer alone and I wasn’t the only one struggling with certain issues. It has encouraged me to share my fears more often.

2.      The second thing I learned is that it’s ok to have wants and dreams and it’s important to know myself and know what I like and how I want my life to look and feel. I have all of those answers within me. For so long, I felt guilty for wanting anything. So guilty that I had convinced myself that I didn’t want anything. I now know that it’s ok to want things or experiences for my life and it pays to get very clear about those things and then take steps to make them happen. Just doing those exercises with the group that focused on what we wanted in life, for our day, etc. made me realize that I know way more about myself and my wants than I give myself credit for. If I just get still and get honest, all of the answers are there.

3.      And finally, I need to ignore the lie that says that I shouldn’t step out on faith and try new things because I’m not “good enough” or “special enough” or “won’t fit in.” Those lies are what almost stopped me from signing up to begin with. Well, they actually did stop me once. I had been stalking Lara’s blog for a while when Making Things Happen 2011 was announced and I didn’t feel like I was important enough or knew enough about myself to take advantage of it. So I missed the deadline and missed out on that opportunity. I was telling myself that I didn’t have a business, I didn’t know exactly what I wanted yet, I wasn’t cool enough and I wouldn’t belong. When 2012 rolled around, and I saw that the workshop was coming to Boston, I took that as a sign as I live a few towns over. I did my best to ignore the thoughts that plagued me the first time, took the leap and signed up. In the months leading up to the workshop, I still felt like I was going to be out of place and I wondered if I had made a mistake. To my delight, the opposite happened. When I got there, I more than fit in, I belonged and it proved to me that my thoughts are not the gospel truth. They are just thoughts and I don’t have to let them stop me from taking leaps that can change my life for the better.

I totally recommend Making Things Happen to anyone who is interested and is looking to push past fears and get a kick start on their life. To get a taste of Lara’s style and thus the style of the workshop, I suggest reading this blog post that started the whole thing. Please note that this workshop is not a magic transformation portal where you walk in a sad, scared person and come out on the other side a superhero. There is work involved, but it’s clear and simple (not easy) work and it is more than worth it!

Happy Birthday!!!

Happy Birthday to me and this blog! There is something very comforting about starting a new blog on my birthday. It just feels right to me and that’s reason enough to do it! Plus a little boost from attending MakingThings Happen a few weeks ago didn’t hurt.

Today I turn 29. I’m entering the last year of my twenties and unlike some women I know who fear their thirties, I’m really ready to bid my twenties a bittersweet adieu. My twenties have been very challenging emotionally. Over the course of the past nine years, I’ve wandered through life confused and often in despair. I feel a bit embarrassed to admit this here because I by no means have had the hardest life, but I would not be honoring myself or my journey fairly if I lie and put a theoretical happy face sticker on those years. My twenties have been a period of relentless questions and not nearly enough answers. Several questions seem more favored than others given their frequency: “Who am I? What do I believe? What do I want? What am I meant to do with my life? Am I special, important, lovable? Is there a God? Why is there so much suffering in my life and in the world?” and on and on. I’ve tried to drown the questions out with food, TV, the internet, social media and getting caught up in other people’s drama, but they still wouldn’t leave me alone.

Right after my 28^th birthday, things got bad enough that I sought professional help. I was miserable; all my friendships had faded away, I was in a toxic work environment in a field that I hated, I felt tired all the time and dealt with one physical challenge after another and I had no faith in anything anymore (God and myself included). I felt like I had nothing to hold onto and that my life was worthless and devoid of meaning. I was tired of trying to fix things alone and being an avid reader of self-help books, try I did but nothing brought lasting change. Eventually, the shame I felt in seeing a therapist and admitting that I couldn’t pull through this alone became less than my desperate need for help. I can now say that seeking out help was one of the best decisions I could have made for myself. That one decision set the wheels in motion for the transformation that has happened in my life over the past year.

Over the past year, I’ve been able to see my life from a totally different perspective. “Perspective” is one of the words that I would use to describe how and why therapy has been so helpful to me. I was able to see that it was ok to feel what I was feeling and honor where I was, but it was not ok to stay there and wallow. I needed to see that my life could be something different. I had a voice and a story all my own and I needed to honor that. Being given that perspective allowed me to step out of myself and my thoughts and realize that I had a choice in what kind of life I would live. The other descriptive word would be “support.” I didn’t realize how hungry I was for a supportive, nonjudgmental person to talk to. I realized that it is perfectly human to need support and to ask for it, it didn’t mean that I was weak.

Step by baby step over the past year I started to actively and consciously create the life that I wanted to live. So far, I’ve found a spiritual philosophy that makes sense to me and gives me the strength and peace that I was so desperately searching for. With that also came a spiritual community that loves and supports me and provides me with an outlet to love, grow and serve. I’ve reincorporated things that I love back into my life like dance and music. I’m making new friends. I stepped out of my comfort zone and attended an amazing workshop called Making Things Happen which I will do a post about very soon.

With faith, effort and gratitude things have turned around so much. So much so, that I want to share all that I’ve been learning with whoever wants to read it. To be clear, I am still learning and as a toddler learning how to walk, I fall down a lot more than I walk at this point, but I keep getting back up. If you can relate to what I’ve written so far, I want you to know that you’re not alone. You’re never alone, even when you think you are. Reach out for help. It doesn’t have to be a formal therapist; it only takes one compassionate and understanding person to make a difference in your life and there are many more people like this out in the world than you can imagine. It’s more than worth the effort.

So why am I starting this blog? Well, despite the wonderful changes that I’ve seen in my life thus far, there is room for more. More love, more faith, more joy, more fun, more peace, more mindfulness, more service, more healing. Basically more of all the good stuff life has to offer. So I’m dedicating the next year of my life (at least!) to consciously bringing these things into my everyday experience and sharing them with you. My intention is to bring a childlike spirit of wonder and fun to everything that I do and to continue the healing process that I’ve begun. Several times over the past month, I’ve been reminded in different books about how important it is for us adults to maintain a childlike outlook on life. This outlook sees the amazingness of life as it is, it allows feelings to come and go naturally, it believes in itself despite evidence that it shouldn’t, it isn’t ashamed of who it is and sees fun in all situations. That is what I want for my life and that is what I want to share!

Now it’s time for cake! Who wants a piece? Until next time! XOXO