Happy Birthday to me and this blog! There is something very
comforting about starting a new blog on my birthday. It just feels right to me
and that’s reason enough to do it! Plus a little boost from attending MakingThings Happen
a few weeks ago didn’t hurt.
Today I turn 29. I’m entering the last year of my twenties
and unlike some women I know who fear their thirties, I’m really ready to bid
my twenties a bittersweet adieu. My twenties have been very challenging emotionally.
Over the course of the past nine years, I’ve wandered through life confused and
often in despair. I feel a bit embarrassed to admit this here because I by no
means have had the hardest life, but I would not be honoring myself or my
journey fairly if I lie and put a theoretical happy face sticker on those years.
My twenties have been a period of relentless questions and not nearly enough
answers. Several questions seem more favored than others given their frequency:
“Who am I? What do I believe? What do I want? What am I meant to do with my
life? Am I special, important, lovable? Is there a God? Why is there so much
suffering in my life and in the world?” and on and on. I’ve tried to drown the
questions out with food, TV, the internet, social media and getting caught up
in other people’s drama, but they still wouldn’t leave me alone.
Right after my 28th birthday, things got bad
enough that I sought professional help. I was miserable; all my friendships had
faded away, I was in a toxic work environment in a field that I hated, I felt tired
all the time and dealt with one physical challenge after another and I had no faith
in anything anymore (God and myself included). I felt like I had nothing to
hold onto and that my life was worthless and devoid of meaning. I was tired of trying
to fix things alone and being an avid reader of self-help books, try I did but
nothing brought lasting change. Eventually, the shame I felt in seeing a
therapist and admitting that I couldn’t pull through this alone became less
than my desperate need for help. I can now say that seeking out help was one of
the best decisions I could have made for myself. That one decision set the
wheels in motion for the transformation that has happened in my life over the
past year.
Over the past year, I’ve been able to see my life from a
totally different perspective. “Perspective” is one of the words that I would
use to describe how and why therapy has been so helpful to me. I was able to
see that it was ok to feel what I was feeling and honor where I was, but it was
not ok to stay there and wallow. I needed to see that my life could be
something different. I had a voice and a story all my own and I needed to honor
that. Being given that perspective allowed me to step out of myself and my
thoughts and realize that I had a choice in what kind of life I would live. The
other descriptive word would be “support.” I didn’t realize how hungry I was
for a supportive, nonjudgmental person to talk to. I realized that it is
perfectly human to need support and to ask for it, it didn’t mean that I was
weak.
Step by baby step over the past year I started to actively
and consciously create the life that I wanted to live. So far, I’ve found a
spiritual philosophy that makes sense to me and gives me the strength and peace
that I was so desperately searching for. With that also came a spiritual
community that loves and supports me and provides me with an outlet to love,
grow and serve. I’ve reincorporated things that I love back into my life like
dance and music. I’m making new friends. I stepped out of my comfort zone and
attended an amazing workshop called Making Things Happen which I will do a post
about very soon.
With faith, effort and gratitude things have turned around
so much. So much so, that I want to share all that I’ve been learning with
whoever wants to read it. To be clear, I am still learning and as a toddler
learning how to walk, I fall down a lot more than I walk at this point, but I
keep getting back up. If you can relate to what I’ve written so far, I want you
to know that you’re not alone. You’re never alone, even when you think you are.
Reach out for help. It doesn’t have to be a formal therapist; it only takes one
compassionate and understanding person to make a difference in your life and
there are many more people like this out in the world than you can imagine. It’s
more than worth the effort.
So why am I starting this blog? Well, despite the wonderful
changes that I’ve seen in my life thus far, there is room for more. More love,
more faith, more joy, more fun, more peace, more mindfulness, more service,
more healing. Basically more of all the good stuff life has to offer. So I’m
dedicating the next year of my life (at least!) to consciously bringing these
things into my everyday experience and sharing them with you. My intention is
to bring a childlike spirit of wonder and fun to everything that I do and to
continue the healing process that I’ve begun. Several times over the past
month, I’ve been reminded in different books about how important it is for us
adults to maintain a childlike outlook on life. This outlook sees the
amazingness of life as it is, it allows feelings to come and go naturally, it believes
in itself despite evidence that it shouldn’t, it isn’t ashamed of who it is and
sees fun in all situations. That is what I want for my life and that is what I
want to share!
Now it’s time for cake! Who wants a piece? Until next time!
XOXO
Love your writing style!!! I too have sought out help for anxiety and it does make a difference. To even recognize that and take action is a huge step! Be proud on your 29th!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Lizzie! That means a lot!
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