Scared Stuck

It's been months since I've publishes a post. I found other things to occupy my time. I kept busy. But I'm coming back today. I'm coming back to talk about fear.

At the beginning of this month, I decided to take more responsibility over my life. I decided that I wanted more from my life and was fully capable of achieving it. So I started to plan and day dream and dream on paper and make lists. I started where I think a lot of us start. At what I thought was the beginning. But almost a month later I realize that I am still in planning mode. The more days that pass and the more I'm in planning mode, I've noticed a tenseness in my body and a weight in the pit of my stomach. Upon further reflection, I've come to call these feelings fear. I'm afraid. I feel like I need to take some action steps now, but I'm afraid. Absolutely terrified. What if my ideas don't work in the real world? What if they are bad ideas? Who am I to implement these ideas anyway? I'm no expert in the field, just someone who's interested in seeing this idea come to form. Why can't I just take a step? Any step?

So much I've read says that taking action helps to remove the fear. I keep remembering this, but I still do nothing. I have no happy ending yet. I'm wondering if I should even post this. I'm just holding out hope that sometime down the road when I post again in the future, I can look back at this entry and say "Remember when I was feeling that way? I'm glad it didn't last."

Journey to Love: Care to Join Me?

If I let go and just wrote from the heart, I would tell you that I’ve been afraid to come back here and write another post. What do I share? How do I say it? Have I waited too long? Does what I think matter? Do I even matter? All of these thoughts flood my mind, making it even harder to write this all down. More and more I’m learning that successful living is not about being a perfect human being at all times or never failing. Successful living is really about allowing yourself to be who you are “warts and all.” Successful living is about turning away from the thoughts that say “I am not enough” and “I don’t deserve to be happy and loved.” Successful living is about saying yes to all those things that make your heart sing regardless of if anyone else gets it or not. Successful living is about touching the Divine in the midst of the human. I’m learning more and more that the ideal of perfection is not my friend. It’s a big heavy weight attached to my ankles weighing and slowing me down. Life is passing me by while I wait for that elusive day when I am good enough to give love to myself. Well that day is here. I am perfect with all of my imperfections now. I can love myself now. And it only takes me reminding myself of that fact day by day and minute by minute. That is all it really takes. Moment to moment reminders until the habit of self-love is deeply ingrained into my everyday existence. I wasn't sure before, but I now know that this journey is worth it, I am worth it. I may not feel that way all the time, but feeling is not fact. If I fall, I can bounce back. That is the grace of life. Each new moment is a new moment to change the course of your life forever. This is where true success lies. This is where real growth and learning is. Care to join me?

Colorful Quote 2

This Time I Dance!, Tama J. Kieves, pg. 28

Weekend Wonder 2

This weekend's Wonder pictures were taken in the Porter Square train station in Cambridge, MA. The top left and bottom left are permanent art installments above the station's looooooong escalators. Again, what amazing things there are to see if we just look up! The one on the right is a helpful graffiti reminder someone wrote on a temporary construction wall. Life does go on!

Feel Your Feelings

I’ve been really focused on feeling my feelings lately. I grew up in a family where strong feelings were subtly shunned. If you cried, you did it in private and if you happened to cry in front of someone else you said “I’m sorry!” over and over again until you stopped. It’s taken me a while, but I realize now how dangerous this has been for my mental, physical and spiritual health. Feelings are important and they are meant to be felt.

I bought a book recently (I’m always buying books!) called The Language of Emotions (Karla McLaren). I haven’t finished reading it yet, but it’s really making me think differently about feelings/emotions and how they are not inherently bad or good and each carry gifts of their own that you will miss out on if you don’t express them.

The most important takeaway I’ve gotten so far is that you can’t feel your feelings by reading a book; you have to put what you’ve read into practice. So I’ve been practicing this week. I want to get back to the connection to my emotions that I’m sure I had when I was a child. I want to just allow whatever I’m feeling to be ok to feel – no judgments, no censure.

And the funniest thing has been happening. When I felt my feelings, really let go and felt them and noticed how they made my body feel and what thoughts I was thinking to go along with them (with no self-censure or judgments), after a few minutes, the feelings got less intense and  then vanished. I was then left with a feeling of calm and clarity. If I had known that that would happen instead of the mental picture I carried of myself exploding from feeling anything too deeply I would have started embracing my feelings a long time ago!  

It’s amazing how many Americans have been taught to deny the full expression of their emotions. It’s amazing and sad. I now believe that you can’t censor one side of yourself without it affecting other elements of yourself from being expressed. It’s a lose-lose situation.  So, today I move forward noticing and practicing feeling my feelings. Like any new skill, practice makes perfect and I’m determined to get better at this day by day.

Colorful Quote 1

Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, pg. 31

Weekend Wonder 1

Top Left: The things you see if you just look up! I saw this beautiful light fixture riding the escalator in a mall. Been going to this mall for years and I never noticed this gorgeousness until now.

Bottom Left: Club Monaco's front display made me literally stop and look. Those things hanging from strings behind the mannequins are white tea cups with their insides painted lovely yellows, greens and blues! How creative!

 

Right: I love little flower/plant patches and when I see these I'm reminded of the people who plant these one by one by one. What dedication for beauty!